Fast Forward

There are times when I want to be just a few years back in my life.
Not so I could revisit high school, but just so I could appreciate my innocence and naive attitude towards the world.

When I would sit on the floor of my room, surrounded by my dogs, my homework, and whatever music I had become addicted to.
I remember cycling through John Mayer, John McLaughlin, and Jack Johnson in the same year. I understood exactly what they were talking about- and yet I had no idea whatsoever.
But that was the beauty about still being a kid with the responsibility of an almost adult. I had the freedom to make stupid choices but I had enough years of experience to usually figure out not to- usually.

I miss only thinking in terms of then next few weeks.
When I still had a curfew, so staying out extra late was a big deal.
When I spent my thursday nights home sleeping instead of out dancing
When my days were more structured than they are now
When I had to make less decisions for myself

and if I got upset or I decided that I couldn't focus any more, my entire family was just upstairs. One flight of stairs away from the comforting arms of my dad or the constant positivity in my life that is my mother or even the joking attitude in a tall body that's always been my sister.

I miss my pets. I'm only responsible to take care of myself now, and even sometimes I suck at that. I forget to sleep, or eat, or just remember that sometimes I'm bound to screw up.
But a few years ago, the first thing I would do after waking up was taking care of both dogs and both rabbits. I woke up because they were relying on me to get their day started, and they were the happy moments at the end of a long day that I always looked forward to.

It seems like things were simpler, then. My dreams weren't close enough to touch; my ambitions were so far from being realized that I could just sit and wonder if I would ever get to where I thought I was going.
Little did I know that the path I was on would change so much, or that the scenery would look so different than I expected
I've grown a little taller, a little stronger, a little smarter
and sometimes it feels like my life has just been set on fast forward until I got to this moment
but I'm still scared shitless of the future in all of it's grandeur
so I guess that means that part of me is still a kid.
hopefully, part of me always will be.

Dreams

This is for all the kids who ever stared out the window during class,
cause they were caught up in their fantasies.
who ever wondered when they would finally get their chance
their shining moment to burst into bloom
who ever thought that they were meant to be a part of something bigger than themselves
who ever got told that they couldn't achieve the goals they set
and chose not to listen.
for everyone who's been told that they can only reach their dreams
when they're sleeping

I've heard it, too
voices of disbelievers
full of "you can'ts" and "you won'ts" and "you'll never"
but I've been running towards my future for too long now to listen
but you'd tell me I've been sleep walking
and right now you'll have the audacity to tell me
that this poem is just me sleep talking
so you can jabber on and
continue your cheap squawking
but you might wanna stand back
because I'm going to keep rocking

with the badass attitude that I had to earn
from the lessons in life that I had to learn
on how to get a thicker skin
when people try to tear down what's hiding within
I've got this passionate fire
filled with my dreams and fueled by desire
can't be smothered by your disbelief
I'm not sure if you're jealous or if you've just got beef

Because I've heard it all from people like you before
the ones who can't face the challenges in front of them
so they try to save face
and say that they never really wanted it in the first place

but I know that their lies are based in fear of failing
seeing their ships sink instead of sailing
turning their tongues into daggers
cutting down anyone who has a hint of swagger
finding those who follows their heart
tearing their thoughts and egos apart


So to all you wish makers
don't listen to those who settle for less
they're all just fakers

to all the go getters
challenge anyone
who says they can do it better

and to the dream chasers
remember that we make mistakes
that's why we have erasers

and I hope you're catching onto my main theme
that really we're all on the same team
trying to make this world more than what it seems
trying to be the cream of the cream
with eyes that gleam and smiles that beam
we can join together to tear reality at the seams
and start living out our wildest dreams.

Palm Reader

It was a warm day sometime in March
the wind whispered promises of a new spring
and that girl looked at me
like she knew something
that I didn't
told me that she could read my palm.

So I let her take my hand and lead me to her grandmother
who said she could read my heart
through the lines in the pads below my fingertips

so I looked at them and said
you can tell my past, present, and future
just by looking at my palms?

You can see back to when my hands were barely big enough
to grasp my tall father's pinky finger
letting him lead me through the first years of my life
I stumbled behind him
but his footprints were always too big for me to fit into
it took two of my feet to fill his shoes
but I preferred my own anyways
because his didn't light up when he moved his feet.

You can see the way that it felt
to feel my baby bunny curled against my chest for the first time?
the way his fur felt, so silky soft and cold at the tips
that as I intwined my fingers in his ears, I could feel his tiny heart beating softly
and I promised him that we would be friends forever.
That friendship lasted for 7 of my best childhood years
but he continues stay close to me through the rhythm of my own heart.

You can see the way that my fingers stretched to reach an entire octave on the grand piano
the way it felt to finally master one of Beethoven's masterpieces
Then learning how to stretch my hands to cover my face
from the prying eyes of high schoolers who were quick to judge
and slow to understand
coupled with the countless volleyballs I touched
my hands got big enough that I could pick them up with one hand
but the other girls never saw my unique qualities as endearing
they preferred to label me as an outsider and then return to their mind games.

You can see all of that?
and now, you can see all the different things that my hands are tied in?
see how they flow swiftly across the paper to create letters to create words to create thoughts to create ideas to create revolutions to create movements
how they follow the swaying of my hips and the lightness in my feet as I dance across the floor
how they hold delicate growing plants
nurturing them, holding them steady, directing them towards the sun, towards the light

and you also say that you can see my tomorrows?
You can see whose hand I'll be holding when I say "I do"
or how it will feel to touch my own child for the first time
or the reluctance my fingertips will feel to wave goodbye to so many that I hold close
that will greet death like an old friend
all the lives that I will touch
or the ones that will touch mine.

you say you can see my future?
see how the lines in my hands run like rivers
one of wealth, one of love, and one of life
well I can already tell you
that in this life, nothing is for certain
except for love, which I know I'll always have
and as long as I have that, I will consider myself the richest person around

so I thank you for your offer
and i'm sure that your talents are quite impressive
but I don't think you can tell me anything
that I don't already know.

Home

I've got
rubber duckies and bubbles on my teal PJ pants
that i'm still wearing at 1:30 in the afternoon
with a warm laptop on my legs and a storm raging outside
I'm home.

Maybe I'll walk around in the parking lot outside my back gate
and splash through puddles
sing Banana Pancakes
and remembering how I used to zip around the blacktop on my rollerblades
until I took a corner too fast
and limped back inside with asphalt embedded in my palms, bruises on my hip, and tears in my eyes

it took me two whole weeks before i would take that turn again.
I was always cautious of the danger that it held
but i loved speed too much to stay away from it for too long.

so while I'm here
maybe i'll bake chocolate chip cookies
read an old book in my bed
curl up on the yellow leather couch with my dad
and just listen to the rhythm of the rain.

or maybe i'll reminisce in my old room
talk to my bird
whose cockatiel crest looks like my new hairdo
stare out the window into my backyard
that i remember being so much bigger.

where the rabbit cages still sit
only now, they're empty.
wire mesh memories of my childhood best friends
with soft flickering noses pressed under my chin
round brown eyes that watched me carefully
and those long fuzzy ears that i would intertwine between my fingers

they say that home is where the heart is
but as far as I'm concerned
my heart is still right here, in my chest
but my home will always be
that two story house
with big windows in the front and back
and years worth of stories and secrets whispered into the framework
home will always be just a little too far away to drive home on the weekends
home will always be where I stay for the holidays
but at least I know
that home will always be there.

Tribute to Shihan

I want to be in love.
that I'm gonna hold your hand even when it's hot outside and our palms are sweaty
that look at you longer than anyone else because I can't help it
that wearing one of your t shirts when you're gone because it smells like you
kind of love.

That hearing a terrible love song but I turn it up on the radio
walking around with a glow around me
big stupid smile on my face
kind of love

That thinking this is gonna be forever
but being so lost in the moment
kind of love

That waking up next to you and falling back asleep in your arms
that hearing your heartbeat next to mine
that knowing your soft whispered stories are the best lullabies
kind of love

that never wanting to miss a second
that missing you every moment after you walk away
that walking on clouds because i've got wings in my stomach
kind of love

that I want you to meet my parents because I want you to know my history
kind of love

that I don't really mind if you see my embarassing childhood pictures
kind of love

that "oh, that's her?"
kind of love

that I'm gonna call you home because you're where my heart is
kind of love

that I don't feel scared anymore
kind of love

that finally learning how to trust someone
kind of love.

I want to be in love
but mostly
I just want to be
with you.