most days

Most days,
I feel like I'm waiting for something.
for a moment when an inspiration will hit me
a muse will appear out of thin air
when I can bend my way of thinking
re route my train of thought

but
most days
feel kind of empty.
like something is missing.
like I'm at the precipice of my life
and I just haven't figured out how to jump yet

most days
i look around like i've lost something
with curious eyes that pry around corners
and into personal lives
scrying for stories of people's pasts
because I already know my own so well
and I like to think that I can collect stories like pearls
and eventually string them all together
to have around as a symbol of all the beauty in this world that I've found

but most days
no one has a good story to tell.
they've forgotten their story entirely
or they're too scared to tell it
or they can't find the proper words to describe it
or they think their story is of no importance

so most days
I just sit back and watch
become an observer in the crowd and let all the pairs of feet wander past me
always hurrying off to an unknown destination
it makes me feel like I should be hurrying too
but then I remember
that I know my destination
and I want to enjoy the journey, too.

Independent

I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T do you know what that means?
Actually, I don't.
Not anymore.
Not since I was told that the only thing missing in my life is a man-
but I don't see his face on the side of milk cartons
there's not police search team going through my personal life
and I sure as hell don't miss something I don't even know yet.

I can't help it thought
my mom raised my sister and I to be independent
but even growing up I didn't understand what that meant
because when I fell down, I'd get back up; wouldn't wait for a hand to be extended past the life expectancy of a half hearted promise
I'd brush the dirt off my knees because I always fell in the direction I was going- forward.
and when I stood up from being stood up, I'd brush the dirt off my shoulders
because one guy isn't enough to inhibit my swagger

Being independent means that the little things don't shake me
If I break a nail, I won't need your shoulder to cry on
I'll be too happy about the dirt in my fingers
See, I'm a goddess of the earth
which means I enjoy getting muddy, running in the rain, and I'm not afraid of killing spiders
I'm not some delicate fragile china shop of a girl
so you can take your bull elsewhere if you're trying to break me

So I've turned into a 20 year old independent woman
with a tendency to speak my mind and take all challenges head on
but I haven't discovered anyone in the male population who's been able to keep up.
but to anyone who thinks they have potential, let me tell you
I'm not going to let my hormones rule my better judgement
as long as you think with the head on top of your shoulders
but don't be surprised when I put I before U
it's just how I learned the alphabet
and you can bet that this alpha female will always have herself taken care of
I'm too sweet to need a sugar daddy
but I'm not a diva
I can be a backup dancer while you're in the spotlight
because I'm a duaghter of the moon
so you can be a son of the sun
and shine as bright as you want to
but remember that your nights would be much darker without me
and honestly
I don't need you.
but that I want you
which should make things easier
you only have to think about being with me
and not being there for me
and that's fine, because I'm trying to date you, not your wallet.

and to the haters-
Don't call me crazy just because I'm not crazy about you
Don't say I'm out of control just because I won't let you control me
Don't act turned off by my tendency to be passionate
when you wish you knew how to make me passionate for you
Don't hate on my hair or try to mock it
I'm not gonna be your life size polly pocket
I prefer to straight up faux hawk it
you can quit jabbering because you know that I rock it

So if you've got a girl who
can't stand her ground
stays silent when she has something to say
hides behind you instead of standing up for herself
send her my way
and i'll show her what it really means
to be independent.

Don't stop dancing

Author's note: this poem was written for a specific prompt- I was asked to write a piece as a response to another piece I wrote as the person that I wrote it about. The following is my interpretation of my grandmother's response to my piece called Babushka.




Granddaughter, you are now a young woman
that I remember so well as just a little girl in flowery dresses at easter time
and black velvet outfits during Christmas.
Our relationship thrived during the holidays
when multiple families were crowded in the living room and the kitchen
but the children were always running around and exploring
up and down the stairs
inside the house and out on the balconies
weaving through the obstacles of legs that belonged to mothers and fathers, aunts and uncles, grandmothers and grandfathers
and your grandfather would act like a child
chasing you all around like the giant from Jack and the Beanstalk
the house was filled with the smells of cooking and the sounds of catching up conversations that appeared so spontaneously and sounded like sweet melodies
family gatherings are just relatives creating poetry without writing anything down.

I remember your little legs, granddaughter
always moving even when you sat down
kicking and thumping at the edge of the chair
or tucked up underneath your body
like you had to put your whole weight on them in order to get them to hold still
always running, spinning, jumping, or dancing
I hope you never stop dancing.
Even if there is no music, let your heart sink down into your feet
and feel the rhythm in your toes
let it carry you away from all the worries of daily life
whisk you away into a floating fantasy land
where your only partner is your happiness.
If you are lucky enough to find a person who can dance to your rhythm
hold him close
and know that it's just as much fun to fly around the dance floor like your feet are made of the clouds
as it is to sway slowly, pressed cheek to cheek
hand to hand
and most importantly,
heart to heart

I'm smiling down on you, you know.
I think you can feel me, some days
when the sun kisses your face softly
and the breeze is at your back
gently nudging you forward
and your lungs pull in all the life that surrounds you
and you'll see my grace in the butterflies and hear my laughter in the spring sparrow's song

So i'll leave you with this last thought
Always stay hungry for more
have an appetite for knowledge and greatness that you never allow to be satisfied
read quietly when you get the chance
but don't forget that change is made by raising your voice
and while you'll find that change is inevitable
my presence will remain constant
I'm part of the heartbeat baseline that you'll find yourself moving to
a steady rise and fall of your chest that fits in time
with a universal rhthym,
know that I'm there.
know that I'm here.
so even if your feet get tired
if your legs get weak
or your heart gets heavy
keep them light with hope for a fresh start tomorrow morning
and I hope that you never stop dancing.

Checkpoint

I feel like by now, I should have more things figured out.
I should know the landscape beyond the mountains in the distance
I should know why the flowers bloom in the spring or why the trees lose their leaves in the fall
I should know how to get a baby to stop crying but I don't remember what it's like to feel that much raw innocent emotion

I feel like my name should have been graffiti scrawled across more trains- of thought
like i should have found a star with my name so when I get lost in the darkness I can always rediscover my identity and remember to shine
Actually, fuck the stars, I want to be a daughter of the moon and become part of the sun
so I can shine the brightest and bring warmth where it is needed

I should have trained a guide dog so that I can have some part in helping a blind person find their way
I should have given back more to a community that's given me so much
I should take my zipper and tack it up like a poster so I don't forget how to be a fly on the wall
I should have gone skydiving just so I'm sure that I'm not afraid to fall- but I'd want to check my parachute before I jump, just in case
I should have taken more chances to ghost ride the whip to remind the OC that I've got as much norcal hometown pride as my music has slaps
I should practice my handstands more so I don't forget how to see things from a different perspective

I feel like I'm so much older than the timeline of my spine indicates; I've been carrying enough weight on my shoulders to hunch over like I'm crippled with old age
I should have learned how to be a thief, so I could steal time back and spend it with the ones I've lost
I shouldn't have denied so many muses when they kissed my mind and asked to spend the night, because I hate waking up next to an unloved pencil and blank pages that stare at me with empty lined eyes

I feel like I should stop asking why and start asking why not?
I shouldn't be so afraid to sing in public
even though I suck
because sometimes
I've got a pocket got a pocketful of sunshine
and I just need to express that
I should run through the sprinklers on my way to class so I don't forget what it's like to be a kid
I should remember that poems are never finished, only forgotten
But I should also remember that poems are just a piece of my soul put onto paper, so I really shouldn't forget about them

I shouldn't be jealous of the girls that strut around like pretty flowers when most days I feel like a cactus because
I should remember that a cactus has spines because it has something worth protecting
I should never hesitate to let my friends know how much they mean to me
I should remember that my personal rite of passage is a passage of writing
I shouldn't pass up an opportunity to say how proud I am to be a rabbit- so let me tell you right now that even if you can't see them, I've got two big fuzzy ears sticking up like satellite receptors
Waiting to hear my next inspiration; always alert for a good rhythm or a moving metaphor
or even just a guy who isn't afraid to admit that he is fucking cool
I should remember to listen to my teachers instead of texting
I should remember to spend less money and more time on those I care about
I should remember call my family and tell them I love them more
I really should start remembering to remember.

Superwoman

I'm living a double life.
See, I have two identities.

If you're surprised by this, then you probably only know the one that I use on a daily basis.
If this is making sense, then you probably already know what I'm about to say.

I'm superwoman.

I'm flying high
above expectations
and like any good superhero,
I try to help those who truly need me.

See, it all started back when I was a little girl
Born to two mortal parents who never failed to support me
but I was also an orphan
I was the daughter of hope; I was sired by justice
I'm not sure if they're both dead, but some days it sure feels like it.
but when they were around,
She taught me to always look forward even when your past tries to blind you
and he reminded me to always join the battle for what is right
or i would be left
behind by the potential person I wanted to be
and I became a wishful wide eyed warrior
who preferred being a pacifist to clenching a fist
learned that holding a hand was easier than holding a grudge
and being able to make someone smile through their tears
felt like making a rainbow appear in the middle of a thunderstorm.

See, being superwoman gives me certain powers.
My middle ear is super strong
so that I can always remain balanced.
My hands are super sized
so that I can hold many people close to me
I can cradle their worries and fears in my fingertips
and soothe them to sleep with the lullaby rhythm
of palms that softly sweep across their back.
consequently, my feet are super sized too
which means that I can stand my ground
firmly. Steadfast. Stubborn and unrelenting.
but it also lets me take huge steps forward
in my life; always getting closer to the future I've set up for myself.

and yes, I wear a cape
because it reminds me of the weight that I carry around
it lets others know exactly who I am
and because it looks damn sexy.

And so I've learned to use my powers for the better.
If my symbol should light up the sky or light up the screen on my cell phone
a simple call for help or a plea for reassurance
I don't arrive empty handed;
I'll show up with glitter glue in one hand and a broom in the other
to pick up the broken pieces of dreams
and put them back together
They may not look the same,
but they'll still be beautiful.
Or I'll show up with lotion and a magnifying glass
so I can massage away the knots that are tied by a worried mind
I'd break the magnifying glass and replace it with a paintbrush
because this world is about creating beauty, not finding it.
Or I'll show up with chocolate and rain boots
like a wise young woman once said
because there's no heartbreak that chocolate can't fix
okay there are a few heartbreaks that chocolate can't fix
but that's the rainboots are for
because rain will wash away everything if you let it

My only weakness is the truth.
Fear that those around me will realize what I'm trying so hard to hide
that after telling you all of this,
you'll realize
I'm not really superwoman.
I'm just someone who's somewhere past halfway between being a girl and becoming a woman
who likes to take on the problems of others
as well as her own
just so that there's a little less sadness in the world.

But even super heros have their breaking point.
So if you look on the underside of my cape
you might see tear stains
etched into the shape of memories that sound like the last conversation I had with my grandmother.
My solid, planted stance was almost uprooted
when I got the phone call from one of my closest friends
who had tried to take his own life.
and my super hands are just fine
but I'm mildly afraid of the hands of others
because I've had two different pairs of hands
that wandered the canvas of my body
without my permission
and took certain things that I can't quite name
but I know I can never get them back.


So my balance is a little bit off right now
because I've taken so many blows from recent events
that my head is still spinning.
I'll still try to wear my cape
still try to wrap my fingers around all the sadness that I can
still try to walk like I know where I'm going
try not to fall over from being so worn down.

and I hope that sometime soon
when I hear people remark
it's a bird! no, it's a plane!
I'll shake my head and smile
let them know that I may look like superwoman
I may act like superwoman

but I'm still just
human.