anxiety

This poem was written with gnawed fingernails
and shredded cuticles

This was written in isoloation
because why would anyone want to be around me
when I don't even want to be myself?

The first time I used the word anxiety
to describe myself
it tasted foreign in my mouth
like drinking water from the tap for the first time when you're on vacation

This is anxiety
It is having a capybara on my chest and a self doubt monkey attached to my back

This is thoughts flash flooding

This is learning that I have earthquake lungs and battleground hands,
not everyone comes back alive from war
(I am not sure what parts of myself have been lost)

This is the feeling of only being able to speak from the oxygen held in the top of my lungs
only partial breaths
partial sentences
never full, never  complete
lightheadedness comes easily with anxiety

This is tears and hyperventilation
because it feels there is no other option

Not all these feelings are valid;
these fears grip like vampire hands
they do not belong here
cannot see them in the mirror
I look whole to you (?)
Doesn't mean the monster isn't present

This is circling the same negative idea so many times you end up with a downward trajectory
this is basic physics
This is understanding my mother when she says I am spiraling

Spiral do not end until they reach the bottom.