anxiety

This poem was written with gnawed fingernails
and shredded cuticles

This was written in isoloation
because why would anyone want to be around me
when I don't even want to be myself?

The first time I used the word anxiety
to describe myself
it tasted foreign in my mouth
like drinking water from the tap for the first time when you're on vacation

This is anxiety
It is having a capybara on my chest and a self doubt monkey attached to my back

This is thoughts flash flooding

This is learning that I have earthquake lungs and battleground hands,
not everyone comes back alive from war
(I am not sure what parts of myself have been lost)

This is the feeling of only being able to speak from the oxygen held in the top of my lungs
only partial breaths
partial sentences
never full, never  complete
lightheadedness comes easily with anxiety

This is tears and hyperventilation
because it feels there is no other option

Not all these feelings are valid;
these fears grip like vampire hands
they do not belong here
cannot see them in the mirror
I look whole to you (?)
Doesn't mean the monster isn't present

This is circling the same negative idea so many times you end up with a downward trajectory
this is basic physics
This is understanding my mother when she says I am spiraling

Spiral do not end until they reach the bottom.

Space Poetry

When we first collided,
I shuddered.

How could one as young and undetermined as this
be privy
to the overwhelming experience
that is
you.

and your grace

the thoughts of gods never concerned me until
you
erased all doubts of them

the first time you kissed me
i finally understood what they meant by
"divine intervention"

Others that call themselves "eternal lovers"
cannot hold a candle to the bonfire you have lit
this molten passion that fills my core


I have always loved you.

Usually from afar-
it has been too many years
since you last let yourself be consumed by me

So let me surround you
in our orbital dance
and we will light up the stars
show them their dissonance

I have loved you
through my toxic beginnings
you knew me through
iron into oxygen

and in return
you loved me
me, seething sulfurous rage
loved me through pangea to divided terra

You became my crystallized
idolized
perfection

I called you beloved
long before they named you Halley's
as if you could ever belong to anyone but me

Some think your retrograde through my solar system
is due to gravitational desires directed at our center star
But
I know
it is just you falling for me
over and over
again and again
every 75 years

I have tilted my axis
so I may better survey the galaxy for signs of you

When my inhabitants began to build and pray
I wished them to make pyramids, cathedrals,
and walls you could notice the next time
we danced
so you can see how I changed for you

They feared you when they first saw you
Cursed you as a harbinger of doom, of plague, of disaster
I do not blame them
true love as consuming as ours
can be frightening

You leave pieces of yourself with me every time we touch
I can only hope as you continue your journey back
that the memory of me
is enough.

On Being A Feminist

I have had to many people ask me

“are you… a feminist?”

as though it is a bad word,
as though sexism isn't alive and well

this is the new f bomb that is unacceptable to mention in mixed company

as though talking the fight for my equality is somehow offensive to you

Yes, I am a feminist.

Because the first time I got cat called, I was twelve

And my mother had to explain it to me

The first time I got catcalled and feared for my safety, I was 16

As a pickup truck followed me down the street

I was only trying to go for a run,

Did not understand that my gender expression painted a target on my back

Don’t know how many times I have been objectified by strangers or groped by random men in a club

I don’t know how many times I have heard “I didn’t think you were smart because you’re so pretty”

I am a feminist because I have a master’s in biology and I look like a goddess and that is not a paradox

I am a feminist because when I attended a scientific conference, I was asked if I was a reporter.
I want to be successful in the STEM fields

But that is harder than it seems when women are paid 0.77 for ever dollar that a man earns

And that’s only because I’m white

If I were Black it would be 0.64 and if I were Hispanic or latina it would just above fifty cents
look at these statistics and tell me sexism isn't still alive and well

Because when I bring this up, I am told to make a sandwich or “#notallmen”

No shit not all men are horrible people who will threaten my safety

But when I am walking to my car at night

I am not going to take the time to figure out the motivations of the large person walking behind me.

I do not hate men, or I would call myself a misandrist

I understand the importance of word selection,

I am a feminist.

I know it is not all men

But it is enough men to make a societal impact

It is enough men to make me cautious

Enough to make me feel like my body didn’t belong to me through their looks, their words, their touching without permission

I am a feminist

Because women are killed for saying no

So I have a vocabulary full of ways to nicely say “maybe not”

I am a feminist because I have seen too many of my friends become victims of rape and sexual assault.

Because when they try to speak out, they are asked what they were wearing or how much did they have to drink or did they know the man?

They never bother to teach the definition of consent

I am a feminist because I am done with feeling like I am unheard, like I have something to prove, like I have to be ladylike but not too girly
and I have to be strong but not bossy
and I have to be pretty but not a stuck up bitch
and I have to be eloquent but not outspoken
and I have to be cute but not vapid
and I have to be driven but not overpowering

I am tired of unrealistic standards and the inequalities that come with it

So next time you have the audacity to ask me if I am a feminist

I want to know

Why aren’t you one?

Feminist- a person that believes in equal rights for both of the sexes.

To the man who said that I can make sexism nonexistent if I just "laugh it off" every time someone makes a sexist joke. Humor can conquer everything if you consider everything a joke.

So I just need to laugh it off. See the world's sexism as humorous.

When I was 12, I needed to laugh it off that two men shouted come-ons at me from their car, and I didn't understand why my mother got so upset.

When I was 15, and I was sexually assaulted  for the first time. When I looked at my closet and couldn't wear the clothes that I wore when it happened because I felt so ashamed

When I was 16 and I had a close friend tell me that I was a terrible person because my main priority was to have a high powered career and not to get a husband and a family?

When I was 18 and sexually assaulted for the second time, I should have seen it all as one big joke on me. When my mother told me that she hoped I would learn better for next time, that she didn't know what victim blaming was- I wasn't laughing, so that's why I was having such a hard time.

When I was 19 and thought that my boyfriend of three months was going to rape me because I was still coping with the scars of being sexually assaulted twice.

Every single time that I've gotten upset that a man has touched my body without permission, only to have him get angry that I wasn't enjoying it.

Every time that I've been called a slut, or a whore, or a bitch

Every time I've been cat-called while walking in public

Every time that I've felt my body pulse with adrenaline because I'm walking to my car at night and I'm scared for my own safety.

I just needed to laugh it off.

To the man who told me that if I want to make sexism go away, I should follow the advice of Morgan Freeman and "stop talking about it"

I need to stop talking about the fact that the media uses women as objects?

that they are posed semi nude in front of cars and burgers in order to seem pleasing to the male gaze?

I need to stop talking about the Steubenville High School rape case? When the boys recieved their sentencing, that it was  "Incredibly difficult to watch what happened as these two young men that had such promising futures...literally watched as they believed their lives fell apart...when that sentence came down"

I am not going to be silent.

I am not going to sit down.

I am going to talk about it.

I am going to continue self-proclaiming myself as a feminist.

This is not a joke, and this is not going away.

The communal ignorance that has led to such rampant sexism can only be combatted with educated discussions from feminists- both men and women- who realize that the status is NOT quo

We are not equally paid. We are not equally represented.

Until the victim blaming and the slut shaming stops

Until we start seeing justice for women

I will not laugh it off.

I will not turn a blind eye.

I WILL NOT BE SILENCED.

Clean

Upon feeling overwhelmed by the world
by a growing to-do list, by finals, by too many thoughts in my head

I clean.
laundry will do, but dishes are my favorite.

I love the rhythmic repeating and repeating of motions
circular scrubbing,
circles
circles
circles
until the pile of once dirty plates and bowls and glasses and stress
is dripping dry
and my mind is a little calmer

That's what I was doing when you stopped by my apartment.
I was cleaning.

You tried to get my attention
insistently placing yourself in my path

I had a goal I was determined to achieve
I needed to clean
I needed that calming rhythm
your presence was an annoying distraction, a disruption in the melody of order that I was conducting

You told me to calm down
to slow down
told me that I was scaring you
how quickly I was going
how focused I was
I needed more dishes
I wanted more things to clean
circular scrubbing
circles
circles
circles
until they were free of blemishes and imperfections

Finally, I bored you enough that you were ready to leave
you asked
no
you demanded a good night kiss
and you put your hands on me
reminded me why I was in a frenzy in the first place

A week and a half before this.
the night we met
when you touched without permission
took things that didn't belong to you

afterwards
I felt dirty
blemished
unclean.

I wish i knew how long I spent in the shower
scrubbing at my skin
scrubbing circles
circles
circles
circles
never feeling clean
never being able to reach deep enough to remove the marks you left on me
no soap was strong enough to erase the scarlet letter I was sure was branded across my chest
maybe it was just all that scrubbing
rubbing my skin raw so that I couldn't remember how it felt to have your hands corrupt the secrets of my flesh

I denied you a good night kiss
and told you to leave.

I went to bed, exhausted
I had cleaned myself out
my hands were dry and cracking
my back, sore and tight

I forgot you.
slowly but surely
let you fade away from my body's memory
a stain on my past that has finally been washed away.

still, even now
when the world is overwhelming
i clean.
laundry is good, but I prefer dishes.
prefer the repeating, circular rhythm.

but I no longer feel the need
to clean
my own skin.

I am not dirty or blemished or broken
not any more.