Don't turn out the lights

Don't turn out the lights.

have you checked underneath your bed and in your closet?
look past all the dust bunnies and skeletons laying there
see if there's anything worth fearing.
lift up your pillows and see what scatters away
close your windows so you can keep the howling winds out
but beware- you might accidentally lock something in.

Don't turn out the lights

are you sure you're ready to surrender yourself?
to be completely vulnerable and let your subconscious prey on your innocent mind
there are things lurking in the corners of your skull
spider webs in your sub arachnoid space
that might still harbor an eight legged surprise
prepare yourself

don't turn out the lights

they're the only thing that can save you from the nightmares
the only thing that keep you sane
light is the absence of darkness
because darkness
is omnipotent and permeating
it hides behind doorways and in alleys
just waiting to swallow you whole
it holds hands with the underbellies of the streets
and runs frolicking through all your fears with a magnifying glass
because in the darkness, logic is useless

don't turn out the lights
there's something waiting
going to pounce if you let your guard down
if you lay your head down
and you'll be subject to hours of running
running from men with dark purposes
but your legs don't work properly
your blood congeals in your veins when you're dreaming
you're useless.
so you'll sit and watch as your friends get shot
and part of you knows
that this can't be real
but part of you can't help but feel
everything attached to the situation

don't turn out the lights
because when you wake up, sweaty and trembling
you'll want to know where you are.
you'll have forgotten yourself
forgotten reality
and for a split second, your emotions tell you that reality
is actually back in the nightmare

so don't turn out the lights
unless you're ready to face
what's hiding in the darkness.

Nightmares part 2

We've all watched the action movies
where the hero jumps through windows and into stick shift mini coopers that he can maneuver through the streets
and barely make a safe getaway
we think, even just for a moment,
hey, I could do that.
or wonder what it would be like to be capable. to have that possibility.

but these scenes flood my mind and saturate it to the point where the spill over into my unconscious hours
where I should be peacefully resting my mind I end up running from men with guns whose only goal is to terrify me
and it works.
these nightmares- they don't go away. they only get worse.
just the other night I watched as a best friend was shot right in front of me. twice.
my own limbs betrayed me; wouldn't move as i needed them to
I was screaming down my own nerve synapses for something to click
but my blood had congealed with fear and I couldn't snap out of this dream gone wrong

I have witnessed my own father become a victim of a nonexistent plague
my sister lose her life in a freak accident
and imagine that my grandmother really isn't gone

so when I let reality pry my eyes apart like elevator doors
I lay in the bed that is crawling with invisible monsters just waiting to slip into my sleeping moments
and try to convince myself that the emotions that carried over
have no place in their attempts to make me panic

These nightmares haunt me better than any ghost ever could
because they prey on fears that will someday be realized.
for now, they just make me remember exactly what I have
and to be grateful for it
because it could be gone in a moment's notice

and i know all too well
what that feels like.

Fucked up goodbyes

I don't want to be profane
and I know that you already know this
but I fucked up our goodbye.

I couldn't look in the eyes and say anything besides "I should go."
your fingertips, eternally gentle, traced patterns around my waist and up my sides
but I couldn't even move.
all my muscles locked in a cold war with themselves trying to deny your warmth
because if I released
truly spoke my mind
I wouldn't have broken.
I would have shattered.

I'm not good with small pieces;
I don't even know how to glue a fractured mirror back together
I think it's the possibility of a bad luck curse that makes my fingers so shaky
or maybe I'm afraid I'll slip and slice my skin
adding damage to destruction

So no, I couldn't give you the proper goodbye.
I left you in New York.
and I've been back in California for a month now.
Just biding my time until I find something distracting enough can make me forget what your voice sounds like when you smile

I rode my bike for the first time in months the other day
right next to all the orange county traffic
just to hear the engines roaring next to me
and hoping that my balance was what it used to be
because those trucks drive so fast
they drive so far
and my wheels will never turn over enough times to bring me close enough to you.

I swam in the pacific ocean so I could forget how the atlantic tasted
so I could wash your memory from my flesh
let it be scrubbed away by salt water and sand that has always felt like home to me
but it didn't work.
nothing works.

You're still right there, you're always right there
you're right here
in the front of my mind
even though I'm in a new place.
I moved into a new apartment.
My neighbors have songbirds.
The other morning, I woke up to them
and thought I was still laying next to you
because it sounded like the forest outside your window
and I realize that I actually left part of myself in your bedroom
not between your sheets
but in the space between our eyes when we laid there so quietly
trying to memorize your face and knowing that I would want to forget it in a few weeks.

I couldn't say goodbye to you.
I still can't.
Now I know what it feels like to be loved.
and I can't quite let that go
just not yet.