Gaia.

Such an annoying but true saying:  You don't know what you've got until it's gone.

It happens.  

People come in and out of our lives like moths into the lamplight.  There's almost no effort involved in making new friends or choosing to let old ones go.  I've lost friends to distance, time, and even to other people.  

The hardest way to lose someone is when you're not ready to let them go.  Not like the person you've fallen in love with and been with for the last 3 years wakes up and leaves you... Something beyond that.  Something more.

One of my good friends (who lived just down the hall from me) recently moved out and away.  For good.  She didn't tell anyone she was leaving until the day she left.  It didn't come as a shock, but it was still an emotional event to deal with.  I never got to say goodbye properly, which I think she planned so that she wouldn't end up in tears.

This happened about a week ago, but it just hit me now.  I noticed the unopened pack of Magic cards on my desk that she got me as a birthday present back in October... She never got to teach me how to play.  I can still learn from other friends, but I don't think it's the same.  Now I'm not sure if I want to learn because of her or if I want to keep the cards as they were to remind me that I took time with her for granted.

I now realize how much I miss her.  I wish that I'd visited her more, put more time aside for her, stopped making plans and actually taken her places.  We were supposed to go clubbing, partying, have intellectual conversations over coffee... We were supposed to have more time.

I saw her in my life as someone who ignored the cultural norms, who acted on whims, who made me question many things in my own life, and who could always make me laugh.

I'm so happy that she's happy.  She realized that this place wasn't right for her, but that doesn't make me miss her any less.

I guess some of the harshest reality checks are the ones we don't see coming.

On a night like this...

It's times like these that I want to curl up in someone's arms.

I'd trade my slow, sad love songs and chocolate chip cookies just to not feel like this.

Like certain pieces of me will never fit together unless someone helps solve the puzzle.  Against the hoards of evidence that I'm not, I just can't help feeling alone.  Trapped in my own mind; my own heart.  

The lack of understanding or effort causes my smile to fade and my eyes to glisten when the piano tinkles softly through my speakers.

Don't take this as a sign of weakness or a plea for help.  If you assumed the former, you must not understand the true strength it takes to accept these feelings.  If you assumed the latter, I appreciate your concern or compassion, yet (please don't take this too harshly) it is unneeded.

There are no words to fully describe the dull, empty, longing ache that resonates from somewhere in my chest.  

It is a feeling that you must experience firsthand; you have to feel the pain in order to appreciate the pleasure.

I miss the comfort of my father's hug, the warmth of my mother's smile, and the understanding of my sister.  I don't want to be scared of what's to come, yet I can't avoid it.  I miss my past and I think that I may miss my future.  Am I on the path that I'm supposed to be?  To become the woman that I desire to be?

So simple, yet so hard to illustrate with mere words.  Family, friends, love, longing, tears, trying times, safe and sound, soulmates.  

Interpret this as you will.  

I'm returning to my sweet love songs that I wish would be sung to me, but I continue singing to myself.

Maybe, right now, that's okay....

Lucky.

I'd like to think there's a reason why we do things... 

Especially ones that make us later question "why?" over and over until we lose sight of the moment we felt ourselves get caught up in.

What's so wrong with seizing the moment/the day/the night?  How else are we supposed to feel anything at all unless we realize what we feel at that exact time?

Maybe our conscience (okay, my conscience) or our long-term judgement is there to remind us that the moments can't last forever even when we wish they would.

The moments when the sun shines the brightest, the flowers smell the sweetest, and the people around us feel all too real.

There's only one night like this.  

There's only one right here and now.

So why not fall into what feels all too right?  Fall into me, into a lack of inhibitions.  Where the moon sits still, and there's no one around.  No sound to hear except our hearts pounding in sync, telling us to follow them and trust them.  

Why not?  

I want to be lucky enough to stay here with you... Don't you want to stay with me?

Memories

I love the way light glints off metallic sunglass frames.  That fleeting sparkle, the momentary shine reminds me how quickly life moves.  

Reminds me of how the warm sun feels on my back.

The soft tic-tic-tic of flip flops.

A fresh breeze that smells like salt water and endless possibilities.

How it seems like at that exact time, nothing could go wrong.

(Insert title here)

So if you're reading this, you may be wondering why my blog is named "Ideas of a closet writer".  

No, I'm not lesbian.  Although I have short hair and love to hang out with guys, I'm straight.

My passion is to write.  Yet I also love science.  Weird combination? Maybe.

Yet I've had my writings rejected so many times by people close to me that I no longer show my creations to just anyone.

This blog is my stab at trying to get my ideas/writings/thoughts out into the public eye without including anything too personal of mine.

Basically, I don't advertise the fact that I love to write.  I hide it; keep it tucked away in the closet.

There are times like these that make me go crazy if I don't share whatever epiphanies I may stumble upon... Hence this page.

I hope you enjoy reading the ideas of this closet writer.

Maybe I'll be able to fully emerge from my hiding place soon....

Nothing.

There are times, like now, when I want to write but nothing will come to mind.

Maybe I'll be "inspired by nothing", as one of my english major friends phrased it.

As in nothing will be my inspiration.

Not to be confused with me not having an inspiration.

But the idea of nothing-ness will inspire my thoughts to flow freely from my head.

This may be the end result, or it may just be ramblings of a closet writer.

Who knows.

Deception

I have yet to determine

If a life among liars

is fiction or fact.

Crashing waves bring upon the shore

tales untrue

and long broken pacts.

The smallest spider

ambles by, 

spinning a web of destiny

Setting a trap

for unwitting fools

blind to every mystery.