Checkpoint

I feel like by now, I should have more things figured out.
I should know the landscape beyond the mountains in the distance
I should know why the flowers bloom in the spring or why the trees lose their leaves in the fall
I should know how to get a baby to stop crying but I don't remember what it's like to feel that much raw innocent emotion

I feel like my name should have been graffiti scrawled across more trains- of thought
like i should have found a star with my name so when I get lost in the darkness I can always rediscover my identity and remember to shine
Actually, fuck the stars, I want to be a daughter of the moon and become part of the sun
so I can shine the brightest and bring warmth where it is needed

I should have trained a guide dog so that I can have some part in helping a blind person find their way
I should have given back more to a community that's given me so much
I should take my zipper and tack it up like a poster so I don't forget how to be a fly on the wall
I should have gone skydiving just so I'm sure that I'm not afraid to fall- but I'd want to check my parachute before I jump, just in case
I should have taken more chances to ghost ride the whip to remind the OC that I've got as much norcal hometown pride as my music has slaps
I should practice my handstands more so I don't forget how to see things from a different perspective

I feel like I'm so much older than the timeline of my spine indicates; I've been carrying enough weight on my shoulders to hunch over like I'm crippled with old age
I should have learned how to be a thief, so I could steal time back and spend it with the ones I've lost
I shouldn't have denied so many muses when they kissed my mind and asked to spend the night, because I hate waking up next to an unloved pencil and blank pages that stare at me with empty lined eyes

I feel like I should stop asking why and start asking why not?
I shouldn't be so afraid to sing in public
even though I suck
because sometimes
I've got a pocket got a pocketful of sunshine
and I just need to express that
I should run through the sprinklers on my way to class so I don't forget what it's like to be a kid
I should remember that poems are never finished, only forgotten
But I should also remember that poems are just a piece of my soul put onto paper, so I really shouldn't forget about them

I shouldn't be jealous of the girls that strut around like pretty flowers when most days I feel like a cactus because
I should remember that a cactus has spines because it has something worth protecting
I should never hesitate to let my friends know how much they mean to me
I should remember that my personal rite of passage is a passage of writing
I shouldn't pass up an opportunity to say how proud I am to be a rabbit- so let me tell you right now that even if you can't see them, I've got two big fuzzy ears sticking up like satellite receptors
Waiting to hear my next inspiration; always alert for a good rhythm or a moving metaphor
or even just a guy who isn't afraid to admit that he is fucking cool
I should remember to listen to my teachers instead of texting
I should remember to spend less money and more time on those I care about
I should remember call my family and tell them I love them more
I really should start remembering to remember.

Superwoman

I'm living a double life.
See, I have two identities.

If you're surprised by this, then you probably only know the one that I use on a daily basis.
If this is making sense, then you probably already know what I'm about to say.

I'm superwoman.

I'm flying high
above expectations
and like any good superhero,
I try to help those who truly need me.

See, it all started back when I was a little girl
Born to two mortal parents who never failed to support me
but I was also an orphan
I was the daughter of hope; I was sired by justice
I'm not sure if they're both dead, but some days it sure feels like it.
but when they were around,
She taught me to always look forward even when your past tries to blind you
and he reminded me to always join the battle for what is right
or i would be left
behind by the potential person I wanted to be
and I became a wishful wide eyed warrior
who preferred being a pacifist to clenching a fist
learned that holding a hand was easier than holding a grudge
and being able to make someone smile through their tears
felt like making a rainbow appear in the middle of a thunderstorm.

See, being superwoman gives me certain powers.
My middle ear is super strong
so that I can always remain balanced.
My hands are super sized
so that I can hold many people close to me
I can cradle their worries and fears in my fingertips
and soothe them to sleep with the lullaby rhythm
of palms that softly sweep across their back.
consequently, my feet are super sized too
which means that I can stand my ground
firmly. Steadfast. Stubborn and unrelenting.
but it also lets me take huge steps forward
in my life; always getting closer to the future I've set up for myself.

and yes, I wear a cape
because it reminds me of the weight that I carry around
it lets others know exactly who I am
and because it looks damn sexy.

And so I've learned to use my powers for the better.
If my symbol should light up the sky or light up the screen on my cell phone
a simple call for help or a plea for reassurance
I don't arrive empty handed;
I'll show up with glitter glue in one hand and a broom in the other
to pick up the broken pieces of dreams
and put them back together
They may not look the same,
but they'll still be beautiful.
Or I'll show up with lotion and a magnifying glass
so I can massage away the knots that are tied by a worried mind
I'd break the magnifying glass and replace it with a paintbrush
because this world is about creating beauty, not finding it.
Or I'll show up with chocolate and rain boots
like a wise young woman once said
because there's no heartbreak that chocolate can't fix
okay there are a few heartbreaks that chocolate can't fix
but that's the rainboots are for
because rain will wash away everything if you let it

My only weakness is the truth.
Fear that those around me will realize what I'm trying so hard to hide
that after telling you all of this,
you'll realize
I'm not really superwoman.
I'm just someone who's somewhere past halfway between being a girl and becoming a woman
who likes to take on the problems of others
as well as her own
just so that there's a little less sadness in the world.

But even super heros have their breaking point.
So if you look on the underside of my cape
you might see tear stains
etched into the shape of memories that sound like the last conversation I had with my grandmother.
My solid, planted stance was almost uprooted
when I got the phone call from one of my closest friends
who had tried to take his own life.
and my super hands are just fine
but I'm mildly afraid of the hands of others
because I've had two different pairs of hands
that wandered the canvas of my body
without my permission
and took certain things that I can't quite name
but I know I can never get them back.


So my balance is a little bit off right now
because I've taken so many blows from recent events
that my head is still spinning.
I'll still try to wear my cape
still try to wrap my fingers around all the sadness that I can
still try to walk like I know where I'm going
try not to fall over from being so worn down.

and I hope that sometime soon
when I hear people remark
it's a bird! no, it's a plane!
I'll shake my head and smile
let them know that I may look like superwoman
I may act like superwoman

but I'm still just
human.

Fast Forward

There are times when I want to be just a few years back in my life.
Not so I could revisit high school, but just so I could appreciate my innocence and naive attitude towards the world.

When I would sit on the floor of my room, surrounded by my dogs, my homework, and whatever music I had become addicted to.
I remember cycling through John Mayer, John McLaughlin, and Jack Johnson in the same year. I understood exactly what they were talking about- and yet I had no idea whatsoever.
But that was the beauty about still being a kid with the responsibility of an almost adult. I had the freedom to make stupid choices but I had enough years of experience to usually figure out not to- usually.

I miss only thinking in terms of then next few weeks.
When I still had a curfew, so staying out extra late was a big deal.
When I spent my thursday nights home sleeping instead of out dancing
When my days were more structured than they are now
When I had to make less decisions for myself

and if I got upset or I decided that I couldn't focus any more, my entire family was just upstairs. One flight of stairs away from the comforting arms of my dad or the constant positivity in my life that is my mother or even the joking attitude in a tall body that's always been my sister.

I miss my pets. I'm only responsible to take care of myself now, and even sometimes I suck at that. I forget to sleep, or eat, or just remember that sometimes I'm bound to screw up.
But a few years ago, the first thing I would do after waking up was taking care of both dogs and both rabbits. I woke up because they were relying on me to get their day started, and they were the happy moments at the end of a long day that I always looked forward to.

It seems like things were simpler, then. My dreams weren't close enough to touch; my ambitions were so far from being realized that I could just sit and wonder if I would ever get to where I thought I was going.
Little did I know that the path I was on would change so much, or that the scenery would look so different than I expected
I've grown a little taller, a little stronger, a little smarter
and sometimes it feels like my life has just been set on fast forward until I got to this moment
but I'm still scared shitless of the future in all of it's grandeur
so I guess that means that part of me is still a kid.
hopefully, part of me always will be.

Dreams

This is for all the kids who ever stared out the window during class,
cause they were caught up in their fantasies.
who ever wondered when they would finally get their chance
their shining moment to burst into bloom
who ever thought that they were meant to be a part of something bigger than themselves
who ever got told that they couldn't achieve the goals they set
and chose not to listen.
for everyone who's been told that they can only reach their dreams
when they're sleeping

I've heard it, too
voices of disbelievers
full of "you can'ts" and "you won'ts" and "you'll never"
but I've been running towards my future for too long now to listen
but you'd tell me I've been sleep walking
and right now you'll have the audacity to tell me
that this poem is just me sleep talking
so you can jabber on and
continue your cheap squawking
but you might wanna stand back
because I'm going to keep rocking

with the badass attitude that I had to earn
from the lessons in life that I had to learn
on how to get a thicker skin
when people try to tear down what's hiding within
I've got this passionate fire
filled with my dreams and fueled by desire
can't be smothered by your disbelief
I'm not sure if you're jealous or if you've just got beef

Because I've heard it all from people like you before
the ones who can't face the challenges in front of them
so they try to save face
and say that they never really wanted it in the first place

but I know that their lies are based in fear of failing
seeing their ships sink instead of sailing
turning their tongues into daggers
cutting down anyone who has a hint of swagger
finding those who follows their heart
tearing their thoughts and egos apart


So to all you wish makers
don't listen to those who settle for less
they're all just fakers

to all the go getters
challenge anyone
who says they can do it better

and to the dream chasers
remember that we make mistakes
that's why we have erasers

and I hope you're catching onto my main theme
that really we're all on the same team
trying to make this world more than what it seems
trying to be the cream of the cream
with eyes that gleam and smiles that beam
we can join together to tear reality at the seams
and start living out our wildest dreams.

Palm Reader

It was a warm day sometime in March
the wind whispered promises of a new spring
and that girl looked at me
like she knew something
that I didn't
told me that she could read my palm.

So I let her take my hand and lead me to her grandmother
who said she could read my heart
through the lines in the pads below my fingertips

so I looked at them and said
you can tell my past, present, and future
just by looking at my palms?

You can see back to when my hands were barely big enough
to grasp my tall father's pinky finger
letting him lead me through the first years of my life
I stumbled behind him
but his footprints were always too big for me to fit into
it took two of my feet to fill his shoes
but I preferred my own anyways
because his didn't light up when he moved his feet.

You can see the way that it felt
to feel my baby bunny curled against my chest for the first time?
the way his fur felt, so silky soft and cold at the tips
that as I intwined my fingers in his ears, I could feel his tiny heart beating softly
and I promised him that we would be friends forever.
That friendship lasted for 7 of my best childhood years
but he continues stay close to me through the rhythm of my own heart.

You can see the way that my fingers stretched to reach an entire octave on the grand piano
the way it felt to finally master one of Beethoven's masterpieces
Then learning how to stretch my hands to cover my face
from the prying eyes of high schoolers who were quick to judge
and slow to understand
coupled with the countless volleyballs I touched
my hands got big enough that I could pick them up with one hand
but the other girls never saw my unique qualities as endearing
they preferred to label me as an outsider and then return to their mind games.

You can see all of that?
and now, you can see all the different things that my hands are tied in?
see how they flow swiftly across the paper to create letters to create words to create thoughts to create ideas to create revolutions to create movements
how they follow the swaying of my hips and the lightness in my feet as I dance across the floor
how they hold delicate growing plants
nurturing them, holding them steady, directing them towards the sun, towards the light

and you also say that you can see my tomorrows?
You can see whose hand I'll be holding when I say "I do"
or how it will feel to touch my own child for the first time
or the reluctance my fingertips will feel to wave goodbye to so many that I hold close
that will greet death like an old friend
all the lives that I will touch
or the ones that will touch mine.

you say you can see my future?
see how the lines in my hands run like rivers
one of wealth, one of love, and one of life
well I can already tell you
that in this life, nothing is for certain
except for love, which I know I'll always have
and as long as I have that, I will consider myself the richest person around

so I thank you for your offer
and i'm sure that your talents are quite impressive
but I don't think you can tell me anything
that I don't already know.