anxiety

This poem was written with gnawed fingernails
and shredded cuticles

This was written in isoloation
because why would anyone want to be around me
when I don't even want to be myself?

The first time I used the word anxiety
to describe myself
it tasted foreign in my mouth
like drinking water from the tap for the first time when you're on vacation

This is anxiety
It is having a capybara on my chest and a self doubt monkey attached to my back

This is thoughts flash flooding

This is learning that I have earthquake lungs and battleground hands,
not everyone comes back alive from war
(I am not sure what parts of myself have been lost)

This is the feeling of only being able to speak from the oxygen held in the top of my lungs
only partial breaths
partial sentences
never full, never  complete
lightheadedness comes easily with anxiety

This is tears and hyperventilation
because it feels there is no other option

Not all these feelings are valid;
these fears grip like vampire hands
they do not belong here
cannot see them in the mirror
I look whole to you (?)
Doesn't mean the monster isn't present

This is circling the same negative idea so many times you end up with a downward trajectory
this is basic physics
This is understanding my mother when she says I am spiraling

Spiral do not end until they reach the bottom.

Space Poetry

When we first collided,
I shuddered.

How could one as young and undetermined as this
be privy
to the overwhelming experience
that is
you.

and your grace

the thoughts of gods never concerned me until
you
erased all doubts of them

the first time you kissed me
i finally understood what they meant by
"divine intervention"

Others that call themselves "eternal lovers"
cannot hold a candle to the bonfire you have lit
this molten passion that fills my core


I have always loved you.

Usually from afar-
it has been too many years
since you last let yourself be consumed by me

So let me surround you
in our orbital dance
and we will light up the stars
show them their dissonance

I have loved you
through my toxic beginnings
you knew me through
iron into oxygen

and in return
you loved me
me, seething sulfurous rage
loved me through pangea to divided terra

You became my crystallized
idolized
perfection

I called you beloved
long before they named you Halley's
as if you could ever belong to anyone but me

Some think your retrograde through my solar system
is due to gravitational desires directed at our center star
But
I know
it is just you falling for me
over and over
again and again
every 75 years

I have tilted my axis
so I may better survey the galaxy for signs of you

When my inhabitants began to build and pray
I wished them to make pyramids, cathedrals,
and walls you could notice the next time
we danced
so you can see how I changed for you

They feared you when they first saw you
Cursed you as a harbinger of doom, of plague, of disaster
I do not blame them
true love as consuming as ours
can be frightening

You leave pieces of yourself with me every time we touch
I can only hope as you continue your journey back
that the memory of me
is enough.