In search of beauty

Poets
we are merchants of beauty
we love to find beauty
to describe it
discover it in new places
or with new looks
and we proclaim
AH! Yes!
look at how beautiful she is.
the infinite muse for us all

because most of us believe
that we are not capable of housing beauty in our own bodies
we see ourselves as broken
and as such,
never deserving to possess her

that is why
I have not been able to write recently.

You see,
words used to flow from my fingers like drops of water from the tips of icicles
about the eccentric, estatic, erratic men in my life
and how we would escape from daily life
to our unconventional romantic misadventures
we took mini vacations into each others minds
thinking ourselves archeologists, finding truths that were long buried and preserved by time
but forgetting
that sometimes
the most important things
are soft enough
to never leave a permanent imprint on the world.

we were triumphant and glorious
allowed to become perfection in someone else's arms
and returning to mediocrity the moment they leave
letting the zombies arise from freshly dug graves
with tombstones reading "irrational self doubt"

Loving someone who is brokenly beautiful
is one of the most transforming experiences I have had in my lifetime
that I have known three times over
we were escape artists
breaking free of our own rules and stereotypes we tried to hard to ascribe to
letting our minds wander freely through the possibilities of never returning to who we thought we were

now I know that this fantasy world
is a place you travel to
with someone who helps you realize
you're not as broken you've been telling yourself you are.

you will bear your soul, just to know how it feels to do so in front of something besides your mirror
and you will ask them not to look
but they will peer through their fingers at you
and you won't mind.

they will play connect the dots with your scars and you will see your body
not as flawed or imperfect
but as a canvas ready to be transformed into a vessel
for all the potential explosions of phenomenal self expression
that you now know you were always capable of
and just for a moment-
you understand how lovely it would feel
to exhale the word "beautiful" into frozen air
because it is so deeply embedded in your being
and just like that
the passing of moments whisks it away
and you return.
they leave.
you move on.

and that wanting of beauty
and believing you are never capable of truly knowing it as your own
is one of the best muses I have ever known and loved

so... that is why I haven't been able to write recently.
you see, ever since Daniel said he loved me
I see my reflection and see beauty written in each of my movements
it is in every moment that we share together
so I do not seek it out
when I am filled with it and surrounded by it
constantly.
continually.
forever.