Believe

They told me to believe in something
but they never helped me choose what to put my belief into
so i've been measuring it out with teaspoons
letting it pour out slowly in small doses
like liquid faith that clings to your heart the same way that raindrops do to car windows
those droplets that turn the world upside down once they cling to the glass
just for just a split second
before they continue their race down to the pavement

I started finding myself investing optimism in the curiosity of children
they keep me hopeful that we'll stop ignoring what's right in front of us
that we'll always want to ask more questions, we won't be satisfied with the typical answer of "because I said so"
and that sometimes
we'll run through the sprinklers just because it feels good

I've begun looking at sunrises like they're family portraits
because I don't know the full story of any of the faces in the frame
but they're all somehow familiar
I can see parts of myself in them
there are memories in all the generations
all the time compressed into the same space of photo paper
or the same stretch of cloudless sky

but these days, I don't get to watch as many sunrises as I'd like
I've been staying up late counting my blessings
I have to be thorough
and the list gets pretty long sometimes.
It starts with my family
continues with my capability for the nearly impossible
and the simplicity of the world is tucked in there somewhere
but it doesn't end
I just fall asleep, usually around number seventy three

and I start all over the next night
because I'll have fresh blessings
that all taste like my liquid faith
that's still not entirely sure where it should be
I know i should believe in something
but at this point
the only constants in my life are varied
like the letter b in the equation for a line
I let my words be
constant on the lines I place them on

I believe in moments that get frozen in your mind like a piece of sand stuck in an hourglass
I believe in the dictionary because it told me that second chances come after after mistakes are made
I believe in people.
I believe in myself, like all hopeless romantics, I believe in love
but the important thing
is that after twenty one years of life lessons that could have turned me cynical
I still found something to believe in.

The face behind the makeup

You want to see me naked?
want to satisfy your curiosity for the location of all my freckles, tan lines and scars
but I can guarantee that my most jagged scars aren't anywhere you can see
They're stiched into the back of my retinas and scratched into the bones behind my eardums
the worst ones? they hide in the grooves of my fingerprints because they've long been part of the defining lines of my identity
you want to know me naked
want to know where my legs come up to meet my hips and be locked
in a ball and socket joint embrace
see how the skin on my side shimmers like the northern lights like vivid gauzy scraps of silk
you want to know the secrets hidden by cotton clothes
You want to see me exposed, stripped down, completely bare
unprotected and trusting.

Okay. I'll show you. me at my most intimate.
just close your eyes
and listen to my words.
I'll peel off every layer of the bullshit facade that I put up on a daily basis
I'll show you all the hidden chapters of my storyline that have been scribbled onto cocktail napkins and hotel paper
I've travelled enough to forget where my real home is.

like a three way dressing room mirror
I'll show you every angle of myself.
I've got the rhythm and the broken heart of a poet stenciled into my forearms
a love for trees twining with my shin bones
and a dancer's heartbeat.

I'll show you the face behind the makeup
applied with gentle fingertips
while most of my world is still sleeping
I'll show you the character behind the mask
I'll let the skeletons in my closet dance with yours
and I'll even let you know the location of the scars you can't see
I'll sketch you a map with hesitant glances and halting sentences;
I don't do this very often.

You want to see me naked
but you don't even know what you're asking for
trust me and let your eyelids melt into your cheekbones
let the skin of your eardrums stop vibrating
and wait for me
if you'll let me
I'll strip myself down
and show you what really lies beneath the surface
I'll give you all of myself
if you'll sit and listen to my poetry.

Capable

I am a seed.
I am a caterpillar.
I am potential wrapped in a neon cellophane shell
waiting to leave the taste of sugar on your tongue

I am raw.
I am unedited
I am purity in a world that knows corruption on a first name basis

I am simple
I am whole
I do not require assembly ; I have not fallen apart that much quite yet.

I am strength.
I am beauty.
I am human.

I am a seedling wrapped in soft pink flesh
with an entire history and an undecided future written on the inside of my skin
I am waiting. Patient for the right moment to let my leaves unfurl
I will not burst out overnight like the beanstalk from fairytales
Instead, I will let my tendrils seep down into the dewdrop soaked earth so that I can hold my ground
and you will think nothing of me
but when you return after years have passed
you will be astounded by the growth that has occured in your absence.

I am a caterpillar
I am camoflauged possibilities
the type you only see in your dreams because you've been told it's foolish to believe in that kind of reality any more
I am prepared, I am defensive, I am capable.
I am calm and unwavering.
wrapped in my own protections
I may not look like much in the chrysalis of my self confidence
Give me time.
there will be a day that they will mistake the eyespots on my outstretched wings for the real thing
my true gaze will be focused much farther beyond their attempts to get my attention
and the word surprise will taste like a foreign language in their mouths
because they thought they'd already learned the language of the secrets this world had to tell

I am the barriers I overcame
I am the long nights and hard work ethic that brought me this far
I am the voices that told me gravity existed and to bring me down
but
I am defiant of physics
I am a self defining definition
I am poetry in motion

I was a seed
I was a caterpillar
I am still potential
I have yet to fully bloom

I encourage you to wait and see
how well I will live out the words
I am strength
I am beauty
I am human

If you would let me

If you would let me, I'd pour cement molds for all your insecurities and let them rest at the bottom of the marianas trench.
I'd take all the skeletons in your closet and use them as decorations for Dia de los Muertos
I'm sure once they see a little sunshine and feel the touch of someone who wants to know your full story, they'll remember how to dance.
I'd draw fingerpainted pictures on all of your scars to remind you that I think your skin is beautiful- you know, I haven't been able to stop thinking about the birthmark on your upper back.
I would become a hazy sunrise over the skyline of Los Angeles, strips of orchid pink illumination that cut through the smog like a simple truth- just to prove that you find beauty in unexpected places

I want to hear the hidden track on the album that you've been recording since you were born.
I learned a while ago that patience is a virtue, and I've been practicing it in excess ever since we met.
and I heard that the only thing to fear is fear itself
so i can't figure out why you're so scared to be near me.

If you would let me, I would sing for you when all other music goes silent.
I would replace your wallet and your watch
because we would finally have enough time to spend together.
I would soothe the knots in your back that are tied by a worried mind
I would fold you into my arms and put your ear to my chest so you could hear my blood rushing to the last places your fingertips rested.
I would wake you up with jasmine scented butterfly kisses across your cheekbones and make you coffee because we'd been up late the night before

I would tell you secrets without even speaking
mesmerize you with my dancing body
and succumb to you completely.

If only you would let me... but you won't.
so your hesitant nature is multiplying and rebounding into my sub arachnoid space
there are spiderwebs of doubt weaving through my mind
with eight legged second guessing thoughts lurking in their corners.

so please, slide open the windows behind your eyes
I promise I'll step in quietly.
let the curtains flutter with the autumn wind that howls
like it's searching for something.
let it seep through the cracks in the walls you've put up in front of me
and outline all the flaws you're afraid to admit you have.
Because I would take your faults and stencil them them into candle flames that all eventually burn down,
leaving you with the scent of smoke, but no trace of the original fire.

if you would let me,
I'd become your new spark
I'd be embers that glow in your forearms and the soft flickering up your spine
I'd swirl through each vertebrae with gentle warmth
and become a wildfire in your veins.

If you'll let me.