anxiety

This poem was written with gnawed fingernails
and shredded cuticles

This was written in isoloation
because why would anyone want to be around me
when I don't even want to be myself?

The first time I used the word anxiety
to describe myself
it tasted foreign in my mouth
like drinking water from the tap for the first time when you're on vacation

This is anxiety
It is having a capybara on my chest and a self doubt monkey attached to my back

This is thoughts flash flooding

This is learning that I have earthquake lungs and battleground hands,
not everyone comes back alive from war
(I am not sure what parts of myself have been lost)

This is the feeling of only being able to speak from the oxygen held in the top of my lungs
only partial breaths
partial sentences
never full, never  complete
lightheadedness comes easily with anxiety

This is tears and hyperventilation
because it feels there is no other option

Not all these feelings are valid;
these fears grip like vampire hands
they do not belong here
cannot see them in the mirror
I look whole to you (?)
Doesn't mean the monster isn't present

This is circling the same negative idea so many times you end up with a downward trajectory
this is basic physics
This is understanding my mother when she says I am spiraling

Spiral do not end until they reach the bottom.

Space Poetry

When we first collided,
I shuddered.

How could one as young and undetermined as this
be privy
to the overwhelming experience
that is
you.

and your grace

the thoughts of gods never concerned me until
you
erased all doubts of them

the first time you kissed me
i finally understood what they meant by
"divine intervention"

Others that call themselves "eternal lovers"
cannot hold a candle to the bonfire you have lit
this molten passion that fills my core


I have always loved you.

Usually from afar-
it has been too many years
since you last let yourself be consumed by me

So let me surround you
in our orbital dance
and we will light up the stars
show them their dissonance

I have loved you
through my toxic beginnings
you knew me through
iron into oxygen

and in return
you loved me
me, seething sulfurous rage
loved me through pangea to divided terra

You became my crystallized
idolized
perfection

I called you beloved
long before they named you Halley's
as if you could ever belong to anyone but me

Some think your retrograde through my solar system
is due to gravitational desires directed at our center star
But
I know
it is just you falling for me
over and over
again and again
every 75 years

I have tilted my axis
so I may better survey the galaxy for signs of you

When my inhabitants began to build and pray
I wished them to make pyramids, cathedrals,
and walls you could notice the next time
we danced
so you can see how I changed for you

They feared you when they first saw you
Cursed you as a harbinger of doom, of plague, of disaster
I do not blame them
true love as consuming as ours
can be frightening

You leave pieces of yourself with me every time we touch
I can only hope as you continue your journey back
that the memory of me
is enough.

On Being A Feminist

I have had to many people ask me

“are you… a feminist?”

as though it is a bad word,
as though sexism isn't alive and well

this is the new f bomb that is unacceptable to mention in mixed company

as though talking the fight for my equality is somehow offensive to you

Yes, I am a feminist.

Because the first time I got cat called, I was twelve

And my mother had to explain it to me

The first time I got catcalled and feared for my safety, I was 16

As a pickup truck followed me down the street

I was only trying to go for a run,

Did not understand that my gender expression painted a target on my back

Don’t know how many times I have been objectified by strangers or groped by random men in a club

I don’t know how many times I have heard “I didn’t think you were smart because you’re so pretty”

I am a feminist because I have a master’s in biology and I look like a goddess and that is not a paradox

I am a feminist because when I attended a scientific conference, I was asked if I was a reporter.
I want to be successful in the STEM fields

But that is harder than it seems when women are paid 0.77 for ever dollar that a man earns

And that’s only because I’m white

If I were Black it would be 0.64 and if I were Hispanic or latina it would just above fifty cents
look at these statistics and tell me sexism isn't still alive and well

Because when I bring this up, I am told to make a sandwich or “#notallmen”

No shit not all men are horrible people who will threaten my safety

But when I am walking to my car at night

I am not going to take the time to figure out the motivations of the large person walking behind me.

I do not hate men, or I would call myself a misandrist

I understand the importance of word selection,

I am a feminist.

I know it is not all men

But it is enough men to make a societal impact

It is enough men to make me cautious

Enough to make me feel like my body didn’t belong to me through their looks, their words, their touching without permission

I am a feminist

Because women are killed for saying no

So I have a vocabulary full of ways to nicely say “maybe not”

I am a feminist because I have seen too many of my friends become victims of rape and sexual assault.

Because when they try to speak out, they are asked what they were wearing or how much did they have to drink or did they know the man?

They never bother to teach the definition of consent

I am a feminist because I am done with feeling like I am unheard, like I have something to prove, like I have to be ladylike but not too girly
and I have to be strong but not bossy
and I have to be pretty but not a stuck up bitch
and I have to be eloquent but not outspoken
and I have to be cute but not vapid
and I have to be driven but not overpowering

I am tired of unrealistic standards and the inequalities that come with it

So next time you have the audacity to ask me if I am a feminist

I want to know

Why aren’t you one?