Life. I like it. But sometimes, it is scary.

My mother always taught me not to be scared of the unknown simply because it was the unknown
she always pushed me past the edges of my comfort zone
and I've been training myself to learn how to face my fears
to not back down,
not let my adrenaline high heart convince me that I should run and hide in my room
to stand my ground even if my legs are shaking

But
I am terrified of the future.
I can handle the day to day happenings
the slow process of shifting myself from the past into the present
with a wary eye on the days ahead

but the thought of not knowing where I'll be in a year makes my pulse thump like a bass drum
The realization that I have no fucking clue what I'm doing induces a fight or flight response
but I don't know where to direct my punches, so I'm fighting a losing battle against myself
and I've always wanted to spread my wings and fly away from this world- so I always settle with being flighty
staying airborne above everyone's expectations of me
I've already achieved so much.

But I have grandparents who want grandchildren
and the fourth finger on my left hand is apparently missing its halo
missing the string tied around it in a promise
that I’m not even sure I want to make.
Forget all that white flowing gown, silk trains, and glistening tiara shit
If I get married, I only want two things:
I want my father to give me away so he understands that I've always known he was walking next to me
and I want everyone to dance like there will be no tomorrow
like they forgot how good it feels to move
like they want to make love to the music that fills the room
Like their hips are mountainsides just waiting to start a landslide
Like their limbs are radioactive and can’t be contained by the lead lined walls of their list of social rules
like
like their hearts are just balloons full of hope that need to remember what it’s like to kiss a cirrus cloud

but I've never even been in love- so my wedding dreams are just momentary indulgences
desserts that always leave me with a stomach ache
and a bittersweet tang on my tongue

See, I've been so focused on my own progress that I haven't taken the time to let anyone in yet
My heart belongs to poetry but my mind belongs to science
and my fingertips are just confused as hell
not sure whether they're supposed to hold a pipet or a pencil
to bury themselves into the rich sun warmed soil, or to dig out the most honest thoughts of my mind
so I let them do a little bit of both as some sort of self conflicted promise
because sometimes the tree i love the most is a poet-tree.
dropping new ideas like ripe fruits

and I'm supposed to continue with my academic pursuits
but right now all a PhD stands for
is a Pretty Hard Decision
I could spend my life in the shimmering solace of the spotlight on the stage
or I could warm my skin in the sunshine of the tropics
Let myself translate the beauty of the world into a sick rhyming, boundary climbing, mental priming, good timing poem
or become the voice for the trees- for the trees have no tongues
call myself the lorax 2.0
or V rabbit

and it's not a black and white thing so much as it's green and purple
leaves versus limericks
flowers versus flowing lines
meristems versus metaphors
springtime buds versus budding ideas

So I figure I'll wrap an ivy vine around my left ring finger
commit myself to a cause that I know I can always stay passionate about
sit on the lap of mother nature
let her slide dewdrop secrets along my spider web connection made conscience
but I'll stencil the alphabet along my right hand
trace the outline of letters that are just a framework so I won’t fill them in
letters that become so much more than themselves once I can conduct them like an orchestra
creating verbal symphonies while trying to keep myself composed

because when it comes to the future
I'd like to think I have everything figured out
I have a set plan that I can follow and nothing will explode like a poorly designed nuclear reactor
i can act like the world doesn't like to throw curveballs that hit you in the face
or I can just admit to myself
that yes, this life is scary
but at the end of the day
one way or another
I'll be doing what I love