It happens.
People come in and out of our lives like moths into the lamplight. There's almost no effort involved in making new friends or choosing to let old ones go. I've lost friends to distance, time, and even to other people.
The hardest way to lose someone is when you're not ready to let them go. Not like the person you've fallen in love with and been with for the last 3 years wakes up and leaves you... Something beyond that. Something more.
One of my good friends (who lived just down the hall from me) recently moved out and away. For good. She didn't tell anyone she was leaving until the day she left. It didn't come as a shock, but it was still an emotional event to deal with. I never got to say goodbye properly, which I think she planned so that she wouldn't end up in tears.
This happened about a week ago, but it just hit me now. I noticed the unopened pack of Magic cards on my desk that she got me as a birthday present back in October... She never got to teach me how to play. I can still learn from other friends, but I don't think it's the same. Now I'm not sure if I want to learn because of her or if I want to keep the cards as they were to remind me that I took time with her for granted.
I now realize how much I miss her. I wish that I'd visited her more, put more time aside for her, stopped making plans and actually taken her places. We were supposed to go clubbing, partying, have intellectual conversations over coffee... We were supposed to have more time.
I saw her in my life as someone who ignored the cultural norms, who acted on whims, who made me question many things in my own life, and who could always make me laugh.
I'm so happy that she's happy. She realized that this place wasn't right for her, but that doesn't make me miss her any less.
I guess some of the harshest reality checks are the ones we don't see coming.
I figure I'd post this here so that I didn't have to deal with everyone reading what I was saying via facebook. I'm really glad you shared this with me. It truly means a lot to know that I was actually, deeply cared for. I always knew you and everyone else cared for me, but like you said, we always said we were going to do all of these things together but never ended up doing them. To be perfectly honest, I ended up feeling a bit neglected, like I wasn't as important to you as you'd led me to believe. Although I'm sad that we are so far away from each other now and thus can't do anything at all together for now, I'm still really glad to know that I meant something more than "just another person in your life" to you. I am happier now that I'm home. I've been more productive and positive, but I really do miss just being able to walk down the hall and have a chat with you or Cullen, or go for coffee with Ellie, or bicker with Ohannes over breakfast. It's those small, seemingly insignificant interactions with people that end up meaning the most in the scheme of things. I most sincerely hope that we'll be able to see one another again soon, maybe during summer? Let me know what your plans are. I'll be going back east for a little while, and then taking some classes at the local community college in Watsonville, but I'll be sure to set some time aside for you if you think it'll be possible for us to get together. Thanks so much for showing this to me, love. It means the world to me. I hope you and everyone else is doing well, happy, etc, and make sure to keep in touch! Love you so much <3
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