Fast Forward

There are times when I want to be just a few years back in my life.
Not so I could revisit high school, but just so I could appreciate my innocence and naive attitude towards the world.

When I would sit on the floor of my room, surrounded by my dogs, my homework, and whatever music I had become addicted to.
I remember cycling through John Mayer, John McLaughlin, and Jack Johnson in the same year. I understood exactly what they were talking about- and yet I had no idea whatsoever.
But that was the beauty about still being a kid with the responsibility of an almost adult. I had the freedom to make stupid choices but I had enough years of experience to usually figure out not to- usually.

I miss only thinking in terms of then next few weeks.
When I still had a curfew, so staying out extra late was a big deal.
When I spent my thursday nights home sleeping instead of out dancing
When my days were more structured than they are now
When I had to make less decisions for myself

and if I got upset or I decided that I couldn't focus any more, my entire family was just upstairs. One flight of stairs away from the comforting arms of my dad or the constant positivity in my life that is my mother or even the joking attitude in a tall body that's always been my sister.

I miss my pets. I'm only responsible to take care of myself now, and even sometimes I suck at that. I forget to sleep, or eat, or just remember that sometimes I'm bound to screw up.
But a few years ago, the first thing I would do after waking up was taking care of both dogs and both rabbits. I woke up because they were relying on me to get their day started, and they were the happy moments at the end of a long day that I always looked forward to.

It seems like things were simpler, then. My dreams weren't close enough to touch; my ambitions were so far from being realized that I could just sit and wonder if I would ever get to where I thought I was going.
Little did I know that the path I was on would change so much, or that the scenery would look so different than I expected
I've grown a little taller, a little stronger, a little smarter
and sometimes it feels like my life has just been set on fast forward until I got to this moment
but I'm still scared shitless of the future in all of it's grandeur
so I guess that means that part of me is still a kid.
hopefully, part of me always will be.